“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” 
― Stephen King, Different Seasons

I'm usually pretty good with my words, but not of late. This is very frustrating because the things I'm experiencing... it's just so hard to go through them alone. I try to share, but my words are failing me. When I do try to share, it usually just creates more confusion & frustration.

I've tried to "suck it up" or just move past it. I've tried to make it not seem important by looking at it in the grande scheme of things. I've tried to distract myself. I've tried to process everything in silence & remind myself that I am loved beyond anything I could imagine.

Apparently, it's not working because I haven't been able to stop crying for over 24 hours now.

I am healing, but I am hurting.

I want you to pay attention to me, but I don't want to bother you.

I want to give you a hug, but I'm terrified of the thought of you seeing me.

I want people to care, but I don't want people to be concerned.

I want to make people laugh, but I want to burst into tears.

I want to share my thoughts, but I don't want you to know what thoughts are haunting me.

I want to be loved, accepted & embraced, but I want to withdraw & run away.

I have strength & potential beyond imagination, but I am broken beyond repair.

I know there is beauty in me, but I'm ugly as a dropped pie.

I want my friends to be happy, whole & not reliant on me, but I want to be needed.

I want to speak, but I just want to shut up & be left alone.

I know that there are times when it would be best if I wasn't around, but I know that taking that into my own hands is the one thing I could do to hurt the people I love even worse than I've already hurt them.

 

Yeah, I know what I want, but what I want makes no sense at all.

Taken with picplz.

Taken with picplz.

Taken with picplz at Lancer Village in La Crescent, MN.

It's been a bad stretch. Funny because it feels like I'm always saying that. Funny also because I can remember the where the different bad stretches start & then transition to the next phase for the past couple years. I'm thinking that makes me a bummer. I'm sorry for being a bummer.

With the stuff from the past 2 weeks, specifically, I'm finding myself fighting to not completely withdraw and hide from the world. In the process, it seems like my interactions have been clumsy & that I've been withdrawing when friends have needed me. I'm sorry for the awkwardness, and I'm sorry for being absent.

In all this generalization, there are a lot of details, and I'm sorry for the burden I've placed on some of you.

The post starts with a picture I took a couple days ago of the first local Spring Blossoms. I've always loved Spring because it is when my favorite holiday comes: Easter. I love to celebrate the Resurrection, and I love that it seems that all of Nature around me is returning to Life. It really is the time that all of Creation seems to be sharing the story of the Gift of the Resurrection.

Many Christians celebrate the 40 days leading to Easter as Lent, a time of sacrifice & reflection. I love to celebrate the 40 days after Easter because it is a specific time from the Resurrection to the Ascention of Christ that He spent time with His disciples to heal their wounds, renew their hope & faith, and prepare them for the amazing things to come.

I like that. I like the symbolism of that, and I like the Hope that it gives me. I pray this is a time of renewal for me so that I can be a better friend, brother, son, husband, and papa.

Thank you for your Patience. Thank you for your Love. Thank you for your Encouragement. Thank you for your Trust. Thank you for Staying.

I love you All more than I could ever express. 

Amazing birthday this year. Better than anything I could ever deserve. I had decided I didn't want anything special done for my birthday & went so far as to tell Sara & friends my wishes. I even removed my birthday from Facebook back in January. Funny thing is that Sara listened, but Krys Chong did not. :) Looking back, this was the best possible scenario.

I have started this post so many times and deleted it. We'll see if I have the courage to hit the "Send" button this time.

I have been going through a nasty patch with my Depression. It is something I experience daily, but every once in a while, it walks in the front door with luggage because it's going to be staying a while.

Fortunately (?) I have experienced this enough to be more careful in how I interact with others to minimize damage to relationships. I want to message people daily asking things like, "Do you like me?" or, "Do you love me?" or, "Are you mad at me?" I have learned that sending these messages is a sure way to MAKE people mad at me if they aren't already.

I've tried to be quiet & cause as little disturbance as possible, but I see it still showing in my communication enough to raise eyebrows. I'm a relatively new resident of the world of Social Media. In the short time I've been involved in online communities, I have been blessed beyond anything I could imagine to have developed the relationships I have. Maybe this is why I'm terrified that I could lose it all just as quickly.

Life in Social Media Land is very much about the way things & people are perceived. It is like a virtual outdoor bazaar where "street vendor" try to sell you the latest get rich quick scheme, "outdoor entertainers" regale people with stories & jokes, and there is much socialization & scuttlebutt in the din of thousands of people trying to capture the attention of thousands of other people. Making a good name for yourself (branding) is not an easy task. Keeping that good name once you have it is even more difficult. You can have thousands of wonderful moments, but commit one social faux pas, and it's over.

I am thankful that for all the relationships I've built, I am still relatively under the radar. Some of my friends are not as fortunate. They have to assume someone is watching at all times. [If we're smart, we all do.] This is partly good because it promotes good behavior. The problem is that people hit a wall of Positive Mental Attitude.

Understand that I am not a fan of the "Murmerers." Complainers & whiners can hide behind their anonymity on Reddit as far as I'm concerned. The problem is that this is taken too far. People are not allowed to have a bad day. "Fake It 'til You Feel It," is the expectation. In the process of "Faking It," people are not allowed to be real & subsequently feel increasingly isolated. This is the environment in which I am currently experiencing my latest bout of Depression.

There are so many misconceptions about Depression. I'll hear people talk about legitimate tragedies they've experienced & the subsequent "Depression." Because of this, they believe they have an understanding when they actually don't have a clue at all. I've experienced tragedy, and what comes in the wake of that is Grief, not Depression. Grief is a reasonable, rational reaction to a particular situation. There is nothing "reasonable or rational" about Depression. There is no obvious cause & effect, so battling Depression becomes very different from overcoming Grief.

It wears on me. I am fighting battles regarding things like daily self-care. My victories are stepping out on the deck to take a picture, or going into the town hall to get the licenses for our cats, or going out to dinner. Unless someone has experienced it, there is simply no way to understand how big those victories are. During the bad times like I'm experiencing lately, I have to literally take every thought captive. Thankfully (?) I've been in enough situations to finally be secure in the knowledge that I am safe. However, just because I'm safe doesn't mean that the temptations of suicide & self-harm are any less painful.

Here is the problem with all of this in sharing this with others: People either don't care, or they DO care, but they don't know what to do about it. If people don't care, why would I ever give them this information? If people DO care but don't know how to handle it, why would I ever burden them with it? It creates misunderstanding when people try to give bad advice, or it places an unfair burden on someone who is experiencing pain, or it makes people afraid of me & opening themselves to me which just makes me more isolated. It's difficult to explain just how frustrating this is.

Now we have, once again, reached the point where I have to decide to click "Cancel" or " Send." I feel like I have to get this out & release it, and my blog seems the perfect place for that. However, the few moments when the Depression goes away & I feel most lucid are those moments when I am doing what I was made to do: Love God and Love Others. One of the gifts I have for loving others is the ability to listen & be a friend in the hard times.

If I click "Cancel," I choose fear...again. If I click "Send," I chose to risk having the few people who would actually read this to become afraid of me or afraid of burdening me with their troubles. What would I stand to gain by clicking "Send"? Maybe some friends would offer comfort & reassurance? Do I need that? Is it worth it? I don't know. I DO know that I'm tired of living in fear. Clicking "Send" means being honest with myself, and if I am going to beat this, I have to be true to myself. Clicking "Send" means I am making a decision that I am worthy of this battle I'm fighting.

OK.

Here. We. GO!

Day 8: Book that scares you - My High School Trig/Pre-Cal Textbook

I joked when I started this assignment that this would be my choice. However, I honestly cannot think of another book that comes close to the fear this book has given me through the years. This has been the source of the "back in school taking a test but don't know how you got there let alone the material" anxiety dreams for over 2 decades.

Day 7: Book that you can quote/recite - Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King

• Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
• Either get busy living or get busy dying.
• ...there's no harm in hoping for the best as long as you're prepared for the worst.
• In spite of the problems he was having he was going on with his life. There are thousands who don’t or won’t or can’t and plenty of them aren’t in prison either.
• Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.
• Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. I guess I just miss my friend.
• Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

 

Day 6: Favorite young adult book - The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis

This choice was confusing, at best. Growing up, the only "Young Adult Books" were The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, and Sweet Valley High. In my opinion, this genre is a marketing gimmick. I understand the need for Children's Books, but beyond that, a story is a story. I find little difference between books being marketed as "Fiction" & books being marketed as "Young Adult" these days. Call me jaded, but an awkward girl in a love triangle with a werewolf & a vampire who becomes impregnated by the vampire is not really material for "young adults." One of the modern "Young Adult" series that I actually admire would be the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. However, at what age is it no longer appropriate to read this book?

All that aside, I picked The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. CS Lewis wrote a story appropriate for young adults but with layers of context that has made it a wonderful story for me to read as an adult. Aslan, the Lion, is probably one of the greatest Christ-figures in literature. Forget the blonde haired, blue-eyed Aryan depicted as some frail wimp that is driven into most of Western Civilization's mind as to the identity of Christ. Aslan is Powerful. Aslan is Kind. In the words of Mrs. Beaver, Aslan is NOT safe, but he is good. The qualities and characteristics of Aslan are the the closest I've seen to the qualities and characteristics of Christ as shown in the Bible.

Add to this a setting of four children living away from home who fall through a supernatural door into a fantastic world, and you have a GOOD story!

Day 5: Book you wish you could live in - The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

Wow. Talk about an inherently unfair request! I love stories that are set in dystopian environments of all sorts because what's the fun of reading a story where life is great & there is no struggle or adventure?! But, I would have to pick the world revealed to the characters at the end of The Last Battle which is the last book in The Chronicles of Narnia. I don't envision Heaven to be a place of endless ennui where I sit on a cloud with my new wings & play a harp. I would say the world revealed at the end of this story is the closest to what I imagine Heaven to be.

Day 4: Book that makes you cry - All That You Love Will Be Carried Away by Stephen King (Everything's Eventual)

I believe this one was even more difficult of a choice than my "Favorite book." I only cried once (during a close friend's funeral) from adolescence to the time I was 37. I've read a bunch of books through the years that I believe would make me cry if I read them today, and I have had some issues with concentration which have hindered my reading for the past few years. I opted for a short story.

This is the story of Alfie Zimmer, a traveling salesman in a hotel room in Lincoln, Nebraska. Alfie has come to this room with his usual possessions including a notebook of scribblings he has copied from bathroom walls through the years. However, this time, Alfie has also brought a .38 caliber Smith & Wesson revolver and has come to this room with a plan to end his miserable existence. 

The story is a quick read...only 16 pages...but being in the hotel room with Alfie as he relives the life & decisions that have lead to this moment; experiencing the emotions that come with a decision like this; and then dealing with the issue of what to do with this notebook that has been his companion for years but would be a misunderstood as a horrible suicide note...it wrung the emotions & tears from me.

Again, this is a short story from Stephen King's Everything's Eventual, and it is one of several amazing stories that shows that King still has a gift for writing.

Day 3: Book that makes you laugh out loud - Fuzzy Memories by Jack Handey

Jack Handey is the brilliant creator of Deep Thoughts. Now imagine a book of memories and anecdotes that are not bound by the confines of one or two sentences. What is amazing is that his stories are so bizarre and hilarious, but taking the different comments from Deep Thoughts and Fuzzy Memories, Jack Handey actually never contradicts himself. He has one father who met an untimely demise ONCE. He has two grandfathers: one who disappeared after crawling under the porch and another who may or may not be his grandfather & has not been an entirely positive male role-model. Reading these stories makes me cry from laughter every time. I actually have a gift for being able to give a deadpan presentation or reading, but trying to share his stories stretches that ability beyond my limits. =)

 

Day 2: Least favorite book - Faith Of The Fallen by Terry Goodkind

This is Book 6 of Terry Goodkind's The Sword Of Truth series. Book 1 of the series, Wizard's First Rule, was a BRILLIANT read. It introduced the characters, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd. Richard is smart, strong, and clever. Kahlan, is beautiful, powerful, and smart. Zedd is the "old man who is actually a powerful wizard" and surprising, fearsom, and filled with wit & wisdom. I fell in love with these characters and found the first book to have new twists on the Fantasy genre I loved so much. Instead of, "A Darkness that would fall across the land," the villains were actually cruel and committed acts that were horrendous, attrocious & EXPLICIT. This was not your standard Fantasy novel. As each subsequent novel was released, I did my best to overlook certain gaps in plot & logic, and I did what I could to become an apologist for the series. About halfway through Book 6, I became so enraged by the way Goodkind (who is neither "Good" nor "Kind") twisted and warped my beloved characters to act in ways that were simply stupid. Further, the "wisdom" of Zedd became absolute rubbish. What was clear was that Goodkind had an agenda of proselytizing his beliefs of Objectivism, and the agenda became much more important to him than any sense of a cohesive plot, storytelling, or character building. I was so infuriated that I actually grabbed ALL of the books from the series and threw them in the dumpster.

Understand that I am not an advocate of book-burning or censorship. My reaction was one of extreme emotion and similar to others I know who have come to a particular part of a story and thrown a book across the room in anger. One of my favorite bands is RUSH. The lyricist, Neil Peart, is a major advocate of Objectivism, and the philosophy fills the lyrics. However, the band is AMAZING. The rhyme and rhythm of the lyrics combined with 3 musicians who have been voted the best of their respective instruments year after year makes for some incredible music. The moral of the story is create something GREAT that is able to stand on its own. If you do that, then you have earned the right to share your beliefs from a stage of credibility. When an author like Terry Goodkind sacrifices his characters & story for the sake of his message, he has lost his right to be heard.